Guilt about a friend who drains us.

[faith88]

I feel so inadequate and a bit guilty.
My husband and I "inherited" a friend we didn't choose. She is the sister of someone we were both fond of, who has now died.

This "inherited friend" has a very difficult attitude, and no matter how long she unburdens herself to me, I can't help her, because she clings on to the bitterness she holds against her brother-in-law and has done for years.

She did attend an Alpha Course at her local church, but said she couldn't accept the command to forgive others, as she hates her brother-in-law so much. (The man was arrogant and demanding- to his wife, thinking he deserved to always be served the best- as many worldly men of his generation but he isn't all bad, by any means.)

She is a single woman, who has worked in a tough environment, and is VERY aggressive in her attitude- no patience. Also she demands attention almost like her brother-in-law did. When I said I would have to leave the conversation as my daughter had called my mobile- she said "Tell her to ring back!!!"
I am my own worst enemy as people like this intimidate me and I give in to them!!!

Now I feel I can't take any more of it, as she just keeps going over the same ground, getting nowhere, and all she seems to want is to get me to join in the hate things against her brother-in-law, and justify her feelings. I feel her pain and grief for the loss of her sister, and I understand her need to offload, but she is draining me, and my husband doesn't like it when she comes to visit us!

I have one or two friends (Notably a dear Christian friend I have known since her children went to my school- and the young father I asked prayers for) who tell me their troubles- but, far from draining me, they give to me in equal measure, refresh me, encourage me and make Jesus seem closer by the way they love Him.

But I feel so exhausted with this poor woman- and guilty because I can't help her. I know I must pray for her, but the very sound of her name makes me feel drained. My husband and I have had rows over her, because he just wants to "drop" her but I feel she has so few true friends and needs us.

Please pray that I can give all her troubles to Jesus and trust that He will make a difference. Of course, I KNOW He will- but am I not, as a Christian, expected to show His love by listening whenever and however long she needs to talk?

[burtrand]

Dear Faith88; This is very difficult for you. I just pray that the Lord will help you as you deal with this woman. May He just give you love and pity for her. I have had this same kind of thing
and only as I lift myself before the Lord, and just give myself over to Him will He meet the need. And give me grace. God bless you richly, and keep us posted.
In His wonderful love, Gracey

[MIRIAM JACOB]

Pauline, God has great plans for you. He needs you to counsel his children, and help them in their time of need. I pray that our Lord Jesus will give you grace to help this woman. Someday, you might be able to help her to accept Christ into her heart. This will change her life forever! May God give you the strength to bear the burdens she places on your shoulders. We are supporting you in faith and prayer. The next time she calls you, remember that we are with you in spirit and in truth. Talk to her, and tell us what she said. We will help you to get through this. God bless.

[MIRIAM JACOB]

Gracey, thank you so much for sharing your wise and comforting words with us. We are greatly blessed to have your wisdom and care. You show us God's grace and mercy. Thank you for being a shining witness for Christ. We can see Christ's love in you. Praying for you always.

[faith88]

Thank you so much, Miriam and Gracey for your wise and comforting words. Gracey, it helps so much to know that someone else has had the same problem and "weathered" it through giving it to the Lord.
I know it would change this poor woman's life if she gave her life to Jesus. I think I am going to write to her to tell her how Jesus has changed my life. She likes getting a "real" letter as she calls it- a handwritten one. Do you think it's a good idea?

The strange thing is that she knows she is difficult and aggressive at times. When we have taken her out for meals, when she has been to stay with us, she always embarrasses us by finding someone to have an argument with, and seems as if she enjoys it!!!!

Finding fault with the service, or someone who takes their time in a shop, in a queue..etc... I think she is confused about the difference between "assertive" and "aggressive". If things are not excactly to her liking, she will not make allowances for people, or understand them, but is impatient and shouts.

Yet- I do feel for her. She has not married, but had two long-standing relationships. My husband says no man would put up with this "spoit " behaviour! (She was the youngest in their family - with a ten year age gap- so it may be that her behaviour was tolerated. Her sister, when she was alive, just seemed to accept her impatience and the way she snaps at people!)

I often think I am doing her no favours by tolerating it myself- and perhaps should try and gently tell her- but nobody else has succeeded- I hardly think I would!!!!! Only Jesus in her life would help her to get rid of the bitterness and help her to be kinder and more patient and tolerant with others.

At her best, she is entertaining and funny, but it is so sad that she thinks everyone else has to conform to what she wants, and shows little, if an sensitivity to others. She doesn't even seem to understand if we don't have the same spare money she has, or to understand our need to help our (adult) children. (She says "They're grown up, they can sort their own problems out!!!")

I dread her asking to stay with us, as it always ends with a row with my husband. He wants me to tell her not to come and visit- yet he won't say anything himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It helps to know you will be praying with me. I am so blessed.
I do not want to bother people as I know my other Christian friends, and you, all have your own problems and worries.

But- if you think it is a good idea for me to write to her, would you say a prayer for me that I get the words right, that everything I write reflects the love of Jesus? Thank you so much. God Bless

[MIRIAM JACOB]

Pauline, I think it is a very good idea for you to write to her. This is an excellent way to get to her heart. We will pray that God will put His words into your mouth. You are an excellent counsellor. It is a wonderful gift that God has given you. If anyone can get to the heart of this lady, it is you, dearest Pauline. Have faith in yourself. God will give you the grace you need. We are praying for you always.